Bad Memory, Meaningful Relationships, Good Health

For the first time in 24 months, I’ve had good 8 hours of sleep(wasn’t uninterrupted but i’ll take it). The air I breathe today is exactly the same as it’s always been, yet it feels lighter, calmer, relieving. For the past 3 years, I have been in a constant battle - both with myself and my circumstances.

I can remember events from 2022 as if it was just yesterday, which is good right? but I often find myself thinking “oh this was just few weeks ago” only to realise, it was last year actually. This distortion in my mind speaks to how consumed I was with my battles that I barely had the opportunity to soak up moments, pause and reflect.

I was living a fairly “normal” life - thriving and striving to materialise my huge ambitions, helping my friends, so on and so forth - until one moment of setback which was accompanied by multiple others in my personal life, and before I know, all of them had snowballed, causing me time and time again to rise up to the occasion, let go of things I love or worked hard for even and having to do things I never saw myself doing.

The setbacks are quite real, I lost a dear family member of mine(I am still not in terms with this). Professionally, personally, physically - I’ve had my plate full all the time. I was constantly dealing with new complications, firefighting every alternate day. Along the way, I’ve had many of my “friends” slowly phase out of my life. But times have also revealed who are the handful of people I can count on and true colors of many others. 3 showed up when I didn’t ask for it, but made all the difference.

First off, Ankush who helped me when I needed it the most, even made me an offer no one else would - extremely grateful to the care and support I receive from him. SVS was another person who came into my life when I needed it the most, understood me and took personal interest to go out and help me in the best way possible. it’s a privilege tbh to have people like him and Ankush backing me, answering my anxious calls/texts and believing in me when I had a hard time even thinking straight - thank you both is an understatement and I plan on paying this forward in multiple ways as I turn a new leaf.
SVS, if you’re reading this- laddoos never felt more tastier!

For the sake of my own sanity, I will refrain from speaking about my circumstances or nitty gritties of all the things I’ve had to deal with and some still dealing with. Navigating through all these, I am extremely exhausted, little zeal to do anything, I don’t even remember a lot of things lately. Previously, I would sit down and write a blog or journal in barely few hours with my thoughts together. But now, getting my thoughts in order itself is a huge challenge. I just wanna sleep. Eat. Workout or play cricket(it’s been ages).

When life feels hard with most things out of your control and things supposed to be in your control also spiralling out, it is really easy, almost subconscious to give in and feel defeated. To curse yourself, life, universe, practically everything. You get very pessimistic even. But to my surprise, I was in contrast to this. I kept fighting, I kept telling myself things will get better and life has a bigger plan for me. I kept smiling, even when it felt forced majority of the times.

One of the reasons I managed to win through and stay sane is perspective. I always focused on the brighter side. I always told myself “things could’ve been a lot worse, thank god”. It’s actually one of the two reasons I am writing this blog.

One reason as to why I am writing this blog: Acknowledging something very important that we conveniently ignore. people around are definitely absurd and the universe works in more mystically ways than you can imagine. The past 3 years have taught a lot - more than any book or YT could have. I am sure life will continue to teach me more - I still 1000% believe that life is preparing for grander schemes, making me more capable for relevant execution. But at the same time, I am also extremely humbled and lucky. Not just me, so are you.

I get it, we all have our own fair share of battles, and they are all valid. but trust me when I tell you, it could’ve been a lot worse. The simple act of peacefully reading a blog on a laptop on a sunday afternoon represents not just a moment of relaxation, but rather the convergence of extraordinary privilege at every conceivable level. Right from your birth.

The moment of your entry into the world determined your statistical probability of access to nearly every advantage you’ve had. Your birth in itself is arguably sheer luck - what did I really do to have the privilege of being born in the family I did and grow up among the people I did? I was born into a specific geography and family that predetermined my access to infrastructure, healthcare systems, educational institutions, and economic opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise. This geography and family-based privilege is absolute and luck.

Which brings me to a simple point: while your current circumstances might not be ideal or what you might’ve wished for, everything happens for a reason. Be grateful. And as Steve jobs famously quoted “you cannot connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect the dots looking backwards”. I would take it a step further to say 80% of your life is determined by the factors purely out of your control but the remaining 20% of factors which are in your control and the 80% of the times how you respond to those life events out of your control steer and shape your life. Ironically your life isn’t really in your hands, but your conscious and ability to shape it still is very much in your hands.

So, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are upto - pause. please take a moment, take time out for yourself, reflect. Every passing moment, live it. Do not pace through life. Social media if not used wisely will eat you up and destroy your mental health. Be very picky of the people you talk to, content you consume. Free yourself of confirming to societal norms or living upto someone else’s expectations of you - live life in the moment and try not to resist what is happening, accept, adapt and keep enjoying the ride.

But let me come back to the core of it all - be grateful. Be it sorrow or happiness, thank it, soak it. Have faith in yourself. Prioritise yourself - no amount of hustle culture is worth it if you can’t live in peace or have a good night’s sleep.

I say this from personal experience, your workplace won’t take long to replace you, but if you were to fall sick or god forbid something worse happens to you, there will be few people(family, friends etc) who can never fill your void despite the days passing by. You too will be left with regrets of times you let go, you’d wish you had spent more time(on yourself, family and friends), the things you could’ve said, the things you could’ve done for them which would change their life literally. It’s important to first make a difference in your dear one’s life and impact them before you impact the outside world. The change you drive starts from within you, your family and then everyone else. It’s a chain effect. Everything is ephemeral anyways.

I’ll end with a two simple yet effective things my former boss, Braj, told me a while back:

1. “Don’t take yourself and life too seriously. take it easy.”

2. “three things you should have: bad memory, meaningful relationships, good health“

With all of this being said, this blog is also a note to myself. Life might not be kind to us, but we can be kind to ourselves and others. This is a note to myself that I never gave up. I always kept fighting, even when I felt lost, even when I couldn’t think straight or do anything. I made it through so much and I have the capacity and capability to make it through even worse or whatever life chooses to throw my way. Life only throws at us what we can handle, so be grateful, have faith in yourself and live life in the moment with acceptance and kindness. You’ll be okay. Smile a little more. Choose where your time goes.

It’s time for me to now go and do something I have not done in ages - Gaming!!!

For the next couple of weeks, I have some leisure, so I am gonna spend time recovering, gaming, playing cricket, basketball, reading few books, travelling and just living more happily than I have ever.